WOMAN'S CORNER - FREEDOM FROM LESBIANISM

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By Apostle William Korir

Birthdays are wonderful things. Suddenly old friends that you haven’t heard from for years appear from nowhere and wish you well, giving you all the news of the past few years. Some of them take your mind back many years and the comparison of the life that they used to live and the life they live now fills you with awe that God can accomplish so much. God can take hold of a life and change it from a bewildered whirlpool leading nowhere to a totally new and fulfilled life. I had such an experience recently. Someone that I haven’t heard from for years called me to wish me for my birthday. I still remember the rebellious, angry lady that I knew when she was involved in a lesbian relationship. At that time it felt like hitting against a wall all the time as I persisted in sharing the gospel with her. She was angry with God, angry with me, angry with everybody. She was a strong person, well on her way to becoming a sophisticated professional lady filling her life with an image of self-assertiveness, in control of herself, her situation and others. I marvelled as I listened to the mother of three, married for more than 10 years now, telling me about the joys and sorrows of everyday life for them as a family. Her voice still carries the love for her husband that I heard years ago when they got married. Her sense of humour that used to be quite cynical caused her to suddenly burst out laughing over the phone when her one little boy did something (not allowed, but nevertheless funny) rather than the explosion that would have come years ago when somebody disobeyed her. She is still a professional person, continuing with her career, but it is no longer the most important thing in her life, the one thing that gives her life value. In my heart a silent prayer of thankfulness went up to God. Truly Lord, you are a wonderful, merciful God and nothing is too difficult for you. Can lesbians really change? That is a question that I have to answer regularly. And however confidently I reply “Yes, of course”, I am very used to a response of silent unbelief in the eyes of those who ask and have to face up to the fact that a loved one is lesbian. I am very used to the not-so-silent response of someone who tried for years to overcome lesbianism and is still struggling, angry at God, angry at me, angry at everybody and everything. Why doesn’t God assist them and set them completely free? Will they have to suppress their “real selves” forever? What kind of a God is it that demands of them to leave a lesbian life behind while He leaves them with the intense inner struggles? Yet there are those that have changed. 

The friend that phoned me is one of them. I myself am another one, being a Christian for 18 years now, happy and fulfilled with no inclination to go back to a lesbian lifestyle. Am I suppressing myself? Am I hiding a secret, deep desire to turn back to lesbianism? No, I am being myself and living a full, joyful and peaceful life. My heart is constantly being filled with a deep love for God and the inexpressible joy of being in His presence all the time. I am not married, but also not scared of marrying. I am single, but not resenting it or scared of being lonely (in fact, I can’t remember when last I felt that deep, driving, destroying sense of loneliness that I used to know when I lived a lesbian life). Quite frankly, if suppressing yourself is such a joyful and fulfilling experience, then I would definitely recommend it to everybody! Friendships are no longer fluctuating from being absorbed in a very deep emotional involvement, devoured by jealousy and possessiveness, to the deep agony of feeling betrayed by someone you really trusted. The restless seeking in my heart made room for a quiet and peaceful life with God years ago already. The inner brokenness that I used to know years ago made room for a deep sense of well-being and being complete as a person, at peace with God and others. How does this happen? Why do some seem to change and others struggle for years and don’t seem to get anywhere? What does one have to do to move towards real, permanent change? I can only answer these questions from my own experience and walk with God to freedom. I don’t claim to have all the answers. But I am definitely claiming that there is complete freedom from lesbianism, not only in outward expression, also in inner life and inner experience. I also cannot give anybody hope that a short article like this would answer their questions. But I can say with full assurance that God knows the piercing questions in the hearts of so many lesbians and He is perfectly able to understand and answer them. If He took the trouble to be patient with me and walked alongside of me through the deserts, through the dangerous forests, through the dark nights of my own search for myself and meaning of life, He can certainly do it for anybody else. Glory of all glories, I did not only find myself, but also found that He is present at all times, even in the darkest night. He does not shrink back from the reality of the intense inner struggle. Instead He taught me over the years to cast myself on Him. I have found the truth of His Word that only He can set the aching, crying heart of fallen humanity at peace. It is as I have learnt to share my deepest desires and secrets with Him openly (no matter how shameful they were) that His gentle ointment started to soothe the inner wound into a completely different reality - into being the woman He created me to be. I found that He was always present, and always able to fulfil even the deepest desires, setting me free to live at liberty, no longer driven by deep, intense desires. As I have talked with lesbian ladies over the past fifteen years, sharing with them the reality of God’s good news of freedom even from lesbianism, I have learnt that the biggest stumbling block is not a problem with gender identity or sexual involvement. In fact, for women the sexual problem is very often not a primary problem. Many can fairly easily steer clear of a sexual relationship with another women, so they are fooled into believing that they are free once they accomplished that. Yet they go through seasons of intense inner struggling, depression and sometimes impure thoughts, they continue to struggle to build healthy friendships, or continue to live lives of very deep insecurity that drives them to control others and rebel against authority figures. Unless we work with God and uproot the problem completely, the frustration remains. I have seen ladies who are in Christian leadership positions for years, yet they live restless, unsettled lives. We do not focus solely on the sexual aspect. We need to be willing to follow God through to complete freedom in order to find true peace and joy, living a fruitful and fulfilled life. It is not necessary to continue being an agitated, frustrated person for the rest of your life. There are three broad areas we give attention to at Truth Transforms. First of all the sexual struggle - to be free from a sexual relationship and free from being plagued by impure thoughts. Secondly the whole area of emotional over-involvement - to be plagued by a habit of building exclusive, possessive relationships. Or, the same problem expressing itself differently - to keep all people at a safe distance. Thirdly the area of being in control - to be insecure under authority, constantly challenging people in authority, finding fault with leaders and working towards being in a position of leadership yourself all the time. This last fortress is the hardest one to break down, but what freedom the day you resign from the position of ruling the universe! What freedom when you are free from constantly falling into emotional relationships that start to absorb your life and rob you of your freedom of movement and freedom to serve God without reserve. In Truth Transforms we give some pointers that could assist ladies in walking the path to total freedom. God is a wonderful companion, ever present and able to see us through. Yet we often refuse to let go of old patterns of building our own walls of security, finding our own ways to satisfy our deep inner needs, subtly controlling others and manipulating them to do what we want them to do. These things ultimately rob us of our joy before God and our inner purity. We pay the price - so why not face up to the real facts and follow God to complete freedom and true femininity? There is a life of true joy, true freedom, true peace - without striving, anger, intense emotions that threaten to take over, hiding behind an image of super-spirituality. We want to be free from the sexual sin - but do we want to also be set free from the non-sexual lifestyle that is part of a lesbian life? Many don’t want to. Others are too scared of the loneliness they believe will be their partner for life if they let go. Some don’t have the courage to allow themselves to become vulnerable. But what reward of freedom there is for those who dare to continue beyond dealing with the obvious issues on the surface! Many have walked the road before. They found that the world did not disintegrate when they backed off from trying to rule it. Other people did not immediately disintegrate into total disasters when they let them free to live their own lives. They themselves did not die of loneliness when they let go of that “special friend”. The aggravated sexual desires subsided and became normal and the impure thoughts vanished after a time - so that their lives became pure and holy before God in all aspects. Do you desire that? Do you want to find true delight? Is there still the cry for freedom in your heart? Take courage. The God of all hope is still able - if it happened in others, then why not in you? Mariana