LETTERS

My boyfriend wants to have sex. I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

I met a guy last year, and we have been going out since then. The thing is, he has been willing to have sex and keeps pushing me to do it. I know that it is against God's law, but I don't want to wait.

If I found the right guy (which I think that I have), at the perfect place and time, I think that I could do it. But if I don't do it now, I am afraid I might lose him.

I will hold on as long as I can, but please answer quickly. I don't want to lose him.
—Pat

You are honest, Pat, and I respect that. And that means I'm going to be honest with you, completely honest and straight up. After all, we're not talking kiddy games here.

I sense you do not understand what a dangerous path you are on. You simply don't realize how high the stakes are in your decision whether or not you go to bed with this guy.

You're well aware that sex before marriage is against God's law. You admit that. You know that it's wrong. I know it's wrong. God tells us it's wrong.


It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in a passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.
—I Thessalonians 4:3-5

God again makes it very clear in Ephesians 5:3:

But among you there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity… because these are improper for God's holy people.

That's what God tells you, Pat, about premarital sex. And about this guy—he doesn't really love you. If he did, would he ask you to do something against God's law when he knows you want to obey God? No. Absolutely not.

He's not thinking about you. He's thinking about his glands and what he wants. And in 1 Corinthians 13:5, in the love chapter, we are told that love "is not self-seeking."

This guy isn't concerned about what's right and wrong. The truth of God's law doesn't matter to him. And again in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 6, God says,

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

What this guy wants is sex; real love isn't a part of this picture, and that means he cannot love you the way God wants you to be loved.

Something else really disturbs me about your letter, Pat. You said if you didn't have sex with him now you might lose him. That tells me you are more concerned about this guy than finding and obeying God's will for your life. Quite honestly, you are letting this guy become your God. He is first in your life. That is dangerous territory.

God doesn't play games with us. He makes that very clear. Jesus said in Luke 6:46,

Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?
And in John 14:15, Jesus said it again,
If you love me, you will obey what I command.
So what you are doing, Pat, is mocking God. You are saying that you know what God wants you to do, but you aren't willing to do it. You are putting your boyfriend above God. And you are fooling yourself if you think you can fool God.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows,” we are told in Galatians 6:7. I can't tell you exactly what you will reap if you turn your back on God and go to bed with this guy or any other guy. That sexual sin could have any number of serious consequences: broken fellowship with God, guilt and shame, loss of dignity, AIDS or some other sexually transmitted disease, low self-esteem, unwanted pregnancy, stirred up desires which can't be fulfilled, and, yes, even fear.

Pat, I plead with you. Do the right thing. Ask God to give you power and strength and desire to obey Him. Say, like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:13,

No temptation has seized [me] except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let [me] be tempted beyond what I can bear. But when [I am] tempted, he will also provide a way out so that [I] can stand up under it.
Commit yourself to the truth, Pat, and I promise you God will help you. Explain it to your boyfriend. And if he keeps pushing you—if he pushes you even once—then lose him. Break it off. It's simply not worth it.

Remember, God loves you. With his help, you can do it. I know you can.