I was molested at a very young age and hated my body. I always felt impure, dirty and empty. I always related to my body in a destructive and abusive way and saw my body as trash.
Sexual fantasies and masturbation became part of my life from a very young age. At the age of 10 I acted out on my fantasies and molested a cousin of mine that was 5 years younger than me.
Sexual fantasies and masturbation was an outlet for my fears, loneliness, pain, disappointments, conflict and my self. I could not fall asleep if I did not fantasise and masturbate. I continued practicing sexual fantasies and masturbation in my marriage and other relationships. It gave me a false sense of being normal and in control. It helped me to escape from reality and provided instant gratification.
I always thought that if I could get married all my sexual problems and desire for intimacy and closeness, to feel completed and accepted, would be solved. But it was a far cry from that. The first time I gave myself to a man the opposite happened than what I longed for. I felt like a whore and a prostitute. I felt disgusted and lost my self-respect and respect for him as a man. I lost my femininity. I became more and more aggressive, insecure, lonely, resentful, bitter and depressed.
I became completely addicted to sex. It was impossible for me to say no to the desires. Masturbation became my master and I became the slave.
I often felt absent and outside my body while having sex. It was natural for me to have someone else in my mind while having sex with my husband.
It was only in the discipleship groups that I learned that sexual problems are an indication of worshipping another human being or myself and not the True God. I was desperate to be pure inside and I had to make the choice to refuse to continue with my sinful lifestyle.
It was a battle, but with Christ I became pure inside and outside. It was worth the struggle. I can now live with the reality that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit - ”Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you,”: 1 Cor 6:19. I learned to take care of my body and to respect it. I became single minded, with God as my focus.
I learned in the discipleship groups that it is only God that can satisfy my cry for intimacy and that He loves me as I am. I learned what it is to be created in the image of God and that He always relates intimate. So it is not a sin to have the need to be intimate but - that space for intimacy belongs to God alone and not for me to fill it with people.
To possess someone gave me a feeling of security, power and control. To be possessed gave me a feeling of appreciation, acceptance and being cared for but it was never a reality for me. It changed when I learned what my position in Christ is and Song of Solomon 7:10 “I am my beloved, and His desire is for me” became a reality in my life. I am still in awe to know that His desire is for me, an adulteress.
Christina May 2006
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